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Apr. 23rd, 2012 @ 03:26 am (no subject)
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
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NEFFA finished earlier today; mostly it was a good festival for me. The Black Jokers did their last NEFFA performance and it was the best one in years; the team energy was high and nobody made any serious mistakes. Red Herring's performance was less perfect but still OK. I had fun at the contra medleys, and doing hexagons (thank you for making that happen, Kat!) in the Singing Squares session. I got some nice clothes from Nancy Dresses and Eagle Ray. Lots of friends were there.

And yet something isn't right. I hesitate to gripe because mostly my experiences living as a woman have been so good, but I think there are gender-related problems going on with my recent experiences in the dance community. It's not that anybody is making me feel actively unwelcome; it's just that they don't want to be my dance partner. Except for fellow genderqueer people hardly anybody asks me to dance, if they do it's at the very end of the partner search as if I'm a consolation prize, and the ones that do are mostly women who expect and/or want me to lead. I'm a reasonably experienced dancer at contra and English, so it's not as if I should be in that situation. (Not everybody there knows me, but after seeing me on the floor for a dance or two it should be apparent that I possess some amount of clue.) And if I'm there in a really nice twirly dress as I was on Saturday, it should be obvious that I'm planning to use it to full advantage, which means following rather than leading.

Oddly enough, I think the fact that a number of men choose to dress unconventionally at NEFFA works against me. In normal settings, people see dress, boobs (even if they're fake), and dangly jewelry, and they figure “woman”. But at NEFFA they read “man in a dress” and behave according to those gender expectations. Short of adopting a hyper-gendered presentation (hard to maintain over a day of festival dancing, as it would involve heavy makeup and foundation garments) I can't figure out what I could possibly do to counter that misreading. I suppose I could try F-cup breastforms but I'd have to buy a bunch of new clothes (most of my wardrobe would be too tight on top) and it's not who I want to be anyway.

There are other possible explanations. I might be too old, or insufficiently pretty, or not sufficiently well known in the dance community. Maybe I'm reading too much into nothing. But it will take some time and some more positive experiences to fully convince me.
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Jan. 21st, 2012 @ 01:42 am Keeping up with an old house
A couple of days ago we had water dripping from the parlor ceiling. It happened during a storm so I thought it was a roof leak, but it turned out to be a problem with a radiator. It's been fixed now, but some ceiling and walls will need repainting (there is a bit of peeling and some rust staining); that will happen next week after they've had time to dry thoroughly. And I'll check to make sure the ceiling is still sound.

All in all, a pain but it could have been a LOT worse.
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Jan. 18th, 2012 @ 04:34 pm Discount deal for Fabric Place
This is an online deal for $30 worth of fabric for $15. I know some of you sew...

https://www.livingsocial.com/deals/208034?ref=conf-jp&rpi=44139242
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Jan. 17th, 2012 @ 01:13 am Arisia 2012
The party's over... well, the dead dog party is probably still going but I'm not there.

I had a good Arisia this year. I earned my 2013 membership by Thursday evening (truck unload and con suite setup), attended an unusually high number of panels for me (including two interesting ones on gender, a cosplay panel, a costuming panel on dressing for one's body type (got some useful advice there), a burlesque panel, and one on cohousing), spent a bit of time at the Transcending Boundaries table, gave blood on Saturday, danced at the contra dance, the techno contra (!) dance, the Girl Genius dance, and the all-night Saturday club dance, heard the Sassafras and Stranger Ways concert, ordered a corset from Pendragon (and now that I know what their clasps look like I suddenly noticed a LOT of their corsets being worn!), and bought a pretty red skirt from Cloak and Dagger. And lots of good conversations with friends old and new, and hugs and more hugs.

The party scene seemed low-energy and poorly attended this year; I did get info about the Spokane in 2015 Worldcon bid which sounded promising. (The competing 2015 bid is Orlando; unlike the last Orlando Worldcon, this one is evidently on Disney property. I'm still skeptical about going to Florida in August. So far as I can tell, London is the only serious bid for 2014.) I didn't go to the Rocky Horror, Buffy, or Dr Horrible live shows this year; I had a quick peek in at the Repo (A Genetic Opera) live show and decided it wasn't for me. (Horror mostly isn't my genre.) As usual, I skipped the Masquerade; it's too long sitting in one place for my taste. And I somehow never got around to visiting the art show, which I regret. (I doubt I would have been buying anything but it's always fun to look.)

What didn't happen: anything bad. A few people wanted to talk about my transition, and their questions were intelligent and respectful. A lot more just accepted my new self, complimented me on my outfits and jewelry, or said it's good to see me so happy. I think I'm now officially a recovered (rather than recovering) shy person; transitioning seems to have taken care of the remaining remnants of it. My virtual self was always very outgoing because she was confident that OF COURSE everybody would want to talk to a charming and beautiful woman like her, and bringing that confidence out into the real world seems to be working well. (I'm certainly not as beautiful as my avatar but I do my best at being charming and gracious.)

Thursday was another example of something I already knew: I'm transitioning to being a woman, but I am very much NOT transitioning to being a helpless twit. Helpless twits don't unload trucks or move around heavy cases of soda. I have had many excellent role models for being a woman who is not helpless, most notably Marian.
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Dec. 28th, 2011 @ 04:37 pm The SCA and finances

The SCA is about to make another financially-driven change; moving away from print newsletters. On the whole I think it's a good one; I'm still waiting for some details to come out. Will they eliminate the categories of Sustaining and International memberships (as the only meaningful difference between those and Associate is receiving a kingdom newsletter) or will they charge extra just to get access to the electronic publications? (We know that they plan to offer print subscriptions to the newsletters; their current estimate is that they will cost around $30/year.)

Whenever the SCA cries poor, though, I can't help wondering where all the money goes. The organization isn't quite as bad about keeping financial secrets as back in the days when some people sued them for information (and to the best of my knowledge, the organization never really delivered the data that the settlement required) but it isn't exactly forthcoming about expenditures.

My personal bit of paranoia is that non-disclosed legal settlements have been a drain on our finances. That one bothers me because I oppose such settlements on principle, and in the case of the SCA I believe they would negate our fundamental values. If I were running the SCA I would have a statement like this in our corporate charter:

"The SCA, Inc. will not make any non-disclosed legal or financial settlements under any circumstances. To make such an agreement would negate our ideals of chivalry and courtesy to our members. It would end our dream just as surely as shutting down the lists would.

If you are our legal counsel, do not suggest nthat we offer such a settlement; we will not. If you are opposing legal counsel, do not offer us such a settlement; we will not accept it. All settlements made by the SCA, Inc. will be fully disclosed to our members and the public. There are no exceptions."

Yes, I really mean NO exceptions. I would rather see the organization shut down than make such a deal with the devil.

Note to the lawyers out there: although I am currently an officer of an SCA group (secretary of the Barony of Carolingia, East Kingdom), I am not speaking in any official capacity. The opinion offered above is my own. YIS, Shirley Márquez Dúlcey / Mark J Dulcey / Lord Pryder mab Aurddolen.

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Nov. 20th, 2011 @ 03:38 am Writer's Block: It's payday!
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What would you do if you had a million dollars?

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Nov. 14th, 2011 @ 01:51 am Transcending Boundaries
Current Mood: contentcontent
It was a good conference. This year wasn't quite the insanely great experience that last year was, but it's not TBC's fault in any way; it's that last year was the first time (and only my second major event as a woman; SLCC was the first) and first times are always special.

I got to a lot of talks and they were all good. Highlights: hearing Kate Bornstein (no surprise there, I've been a fan of her work for years), Lorelei's Gender Improv workshops, and the Friday night comedy thing with Lorelei and Widow Centauri. I met lots of fabulous people; both famous and less so.

People loved my outfits, especially the purple Ed Hardy boots. Those were an amazing find at Second Time Around; I didn't think that punking out was a look I'd be embracing but I couldn't resist them. And of course I've had to wear short skirts to show them off properly, another bit of fun.

In Second Life, I've always been in a space of just knowing that people would like me and want to spend time with me - after all, I'm charming, sexy, intelligent, and drop-dead gorgeous. That kind of feeling could drift into arrogance all too easily (feeling like people are privileged to be able to spend time with me) but I think I've managed to stay on the right side of the line between confident and arrogant. In non-virtual space I'm not there yet; I have too many years of recovering from being that odd nerdy misfit. But I'm getting closer; the confidence that I learned in Second Life is starting to transfer.
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Sep. 22nd, 2011 @ 12:48 am Back to life, back to reality...
I returned from Star Island yesterday and jumped right into city life. After a measly couple of hours of relaxing at home I headed out to catch Shava at the Ethos Roundtable, then a bit of dinner at the 501 Tech Club gathering and after that morris practice. Today I spent a quieter day at home doing laundry.

The final week hasn't changed my basic impressions of the Star Island experience, though the final week of work was rather tedious. One of our responsibilities in Conference Services was cleaning up the two children's barns, and part of what that means is cleaning every toy and book. The barns have a LOT of toys and it took days to completely clean those spaces. Cleaning the rest of our spaces was a small job by comparison.

Sometimes I felt like there was a secret society of Pelicans on the island who were doing all the cool stuff, and I was on the outside looking in. A big part of that was being new, and being older than the majority of the Pelicans added to it. I was accepted more quickly by the older Pelicans and volunteers; I had some very pleasant meals with the bookstore and gift shop ladies, and with an old couple (they were both around 80) who had come out to volunteer. I went to one party that had been openly announced, and a majority of the conversation was about what people had done and who they had met and how things were different last year and three years ago and so forth; I didn't have anything to add to that.

Being away from the usual cares of the city was relaxing. Commuting was never an issue; it was just a matter of going down a few flights of stairs. Figuring out what and where and when to eat wasn't something to worry about. I didn't think about the house and bills and life schedule; I pretty much deferred all those concerns until my return to Boston. And there is something naturally relaxing about being in a space where you can look out the window and see the ocean and waves, hear the surf and the gulls and the clanging buoy and the foghorn.

It was refreshing to spend three weeks in a space where being transgender was almost never an issue. I was surrounded by people who were meeting Shirley for the first time, not people for whom I am "Shirley who used to be somebody else". Housing me in Gosport Heights may have been in part an accommodation of my transgender status because it's the only housing area with a single occupant shower, but aside from that I didn't get any special treatment. I was out to the island administration and signed all the legal documents with my male name because it's still on all my government ID, but everyone else just saw who they saw and drew their own conclusions, whatever they might have been.

Who knows... maybe I'll be an inspiration to one of the children who was on the island during my stay. I like to imagine that someday one of them will think "She was transgender, and she was a Pelican. She didn't make a fuss about who she was but she didn't hide it. Maybe I can do that too, and be a part of the world and not hide who I am." I have no idea whether I was the first transgender Pelican; I know I'm not the first one to lie somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum. There were a couple of guys who triggered my gaydar this year; I didn't see any obvious lesbians but they're usually not as easy to spot.

When you leave Star Island people chant at you "You will come back! You will come back! You will come back!" I have no idea whether the stars will align again to let me to a similar working stay in the future; I might have work obligations that would make it impossible. But I know that I want to go back someday in some way. I can't really imagine working there for an entire season - I'd miss my house and my friends and all the things that happen here in Boston too much - but I can totally imagine doing it again for a few weeks if I can.
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Sep. 11th, 2011 @ 08:31 am Star Island!
I've been out here for most of two weeks now, and for me it's been a good experience. I'm seeing my time here as a kind of working retreat: I do some work (sometimes hard, sometimes not), keep to a more normal schedule than usual, get to spend time in this beautiful place, and as a bonus even get paid for it!

The first few days I was a "rounder", which means an all-around person who can get assigned to do whatever needs doing. That made packing difficult because I had to be prepared to do every job on the island, though some of it turned out to be unnecessary for my actual assignments. (I was never assigned to waitrae or kitchen crew.) My very first assignment was typing in data from conference evaluations; I also spent time cleaning the candle lanterns that are used for the evening walks to chapel, pulling weeds and clearing out hedges on the grounds crew, and spending a day bringing food to and cleaning the staff dining hall.

After that I was assigned to conference services. That means keeping the conference areas (the places where people have meetings) supplied with snacks and beverages, setting up furniture, and keeping them clean. In theory it could also involve A/V setup; so far the more senior people have done all of that but I have experience with that stuff so I can handle it if needed. (That might have been a deciding factor in being assigned to that job.)

There is usually plenty of food, though really popular items sometimes run out. (For example, yesterday at lunch we got a vaguely fajita-like dish with steak, a meat that us downstairs people rarely see, but it ran out halfway through lunch and the kitchen did not have any more because it had been made with leftover steak from the previous night's dinner for the conferees.) The cooking has gotten more erratic in recent days, probably because the kitchen and bakery have lost some experienced people. (Lots of staff people have been leaving because they are students and school is starting.) There have also been a couple of odd dishes that appear to be inspired by the kitchen's desire to use up food before season end.

I got a single room in the relatively quiet space in Gosport Heights. I'm told that they put most of the older Pelicans (ie, seasonal help) there, rather than in the noisier and more crowded space in Oceanic. The room has oddly slanted floors (the entire Gosport building is like that) but is otherwise pleasant.

Mostly people just accept me as Shirley. A couple have been curious and asked a few questions, but that isn't the norm. Life is good.

Susan came up this weekend to visit. She likes the island but finds the vagaries of the food and service harder to deal with than I do. I thought about that a bit... I find dysfunctional computer software utterly infuriating but I don't get mad at the vagaries of people nearly as quickly.
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Aug. 26th, 2011 @ 08:56 pm The California Trip - how it felt
I promised my faithful readers (or is that faithful reader singular?) another post about the trip. The first one told all the places I went and stuff I did but it was just a travelogue.

Overall, I was happy. Aside from getting to do a bunch of fun stuff and see pretty sights, I was pleased with the acceptance that I experienced as a woman. There weren't a lot of awkward moments along the way, though there was the occasional confused server who wasn't sure how to address me. The short answer: address me as a woman because that's how I'm presenting. The long answer: if we're actually talking, rather than you just being my server or something, ask if you're not sure.

SLCC being cool was no surprise as I had been to it last year. Oakland wasn't much of a surprise; it's not San Fransicso proper but it's still part of the Bay Area, and LGBT people and issues are part of the atmosphere. I was less confident about how things would go in Tahoe and Reno (I wasn't worried about the science fiction fans in Reno, just the city around them) but it was all good.

I did worry about the bathroom issue in the airports, but I was able to find single-occupant facilities (usually meant for handicapped people or family groups) and avoid that confrontation. Airports are a particular concern because the people there come from all over. Even if I'm in a location where I can expect acceptance, some of the other airport patrons might not come from such a place. I'm legally protected in California and Colorado and in the city of Boston, but probably not at DFW airport which is not within the city limits of Dallas TX. But the law isn't always the only thing that matters; not ruining the experience of my fellow travelers is important also.

My new Aravon shoes that I bought just a couple of days before the trip worked out really well. They're comfortable; I did a lot of walking in them, and even managed to climb the rocks at Eagle Falls though my sneakers would have been a better choice for that day if I had known how much climbing was ahead. They have just the right amount of heel (about 1.5 inches) for everyday wear: high enough to remind me not to walk like a man, low enough to be wearable for an entire day. And they're cute but not fancy, and a neutral black, so I can wear them with nearly anything.

The really pleasant surprise was Susan's reunion. Going into a social situation like that (where everybody knows most of the other people, and you don't know anybody other than the one who brought you) can be awkward, but I was able to charm people right away and get involved in conversations. Sometimes I was a bit lost in the conversations, as people talked about people and places I didn't know, but I expected that going in. When Susan got too hot and heavy doing the "where are they now" thing with someone, I would wander off and find other people to talk to; one guy even came up and introduced himself to me. I didn't meet any future best friends forever there but I suspect there are people who would recognize and welcome me if I ever show up again.

The girl's day with Amelia was another highlight of the trip. First, she's totally awesome and really easy to talk to. Second, San Francisco is a beautiful city. And we were in tune about how to spend the day, including the rest after the day of walking followed by a simple home dinner.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding it easier to be out in the world as a woman than I did as a man. I don't scare people so much; I can introduce myself and engage in small talk effectively. I'm not at all sure why I ever DID scare people as a man; maybe I was tarred with the brush of the entire gender, maybe the fact that I wasn't sufficiently in alignment with the expectations for my gender bothered people on some level. I think I was usually a nice person, maybe sometimes too nice for my own good, but people didn't always get past the surface to even find that out.
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